“Have You Vinegared the Cat Today?” and Other Weird Things I’ve Said Lately

A year or so ago we found ourselves with a tiny newborn kitten that my mom found in the Walmart parking lot.  He was so eensy that he looked like a bobble head, and we had to feed him from a bottle.  It was the cutest thing…until we realized that he was also too little to pee and poop on his own.

Oh,  you didn’t know that was a thing?  Well it is.  The mamma cat has to, uh…help them if you know what I mean and I think you do (it’s enough to make you thankful you’re a human mom and not feline mom, let’s just say).  So, several times a day we had to get a wet paper towel and kind of go to town on the kitten’s more delicate areas.  And it isn’t just like you can attend to this task half-heartedly.  There’s a certain way it has to be done to get any sort of result, and I might even go so far as to say it’s sort of an art form.  A sad, sad art form that leaves you feeling a little weird about yourself, but I digress.

As it happened, we had a beach vacation planned right in the middle of this kitten fostering and so we had to pack this eensy little guy up in a shoebox and head to Florida with him nestled in the back seat.  We stopped in the parking lot of a Zaxby’s on the way and the girls were arguing over who had the last kitten bathroom duty and I snapped, y’all, and out of my mouth flew the following sentence:


As soon as it left my lips we all stopped and stared at each other for about five beats of silence and then cracked up simultaneously.

To date that had held the title of The Weirdest Thing I’d Ever Said.  Until now.

Jolene the foster cat has ringworm.  I think.  Either ringworm or cat leprosy, which I don’t think is a thing but can’t be sure.  And look, I’m all about giving this hussy a temporary home until she has her babies and all, but I’m not super down with taking her to the vet and incurring expensive vet bills if I can help it (Before you judge me, remind yourself that I’m housing a stray pregnant cat with ringworm.  Give a girl a break).  I did a little Googling and vinegar is good for treating ringworm so twice a day I say the following as if it’s the most normal thing ever:

“Has anybody vinegared the cat today?”

This is what it’s come to, people.

Also, I just realized we’ve turned “vinegar” into a verb.  Somebody call Webster’s.


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