I swear, Alabama, if you elect this man to represent me I’m gonna flip a table. Like Jesus. Or Teresa Guidice.

I feel like if I asked any one of you if you ever trolled the local high school for dates as a 30-something year old, you could each give me a very solid and confident answer. Hopefully that answer would be a no, but let’s not even get stuck on that point. This is just what it’s come to here in Alabama.

But listen to Roy tell you who he is when asked if he dated a girl after speaking to her high school civics class as a 32 year old Assistant DA:

HANNITY: But you know her but you never dated her ever? Is that what you’re saying?

MOORE: No but I don’t remember going out on dates. I knew her as a friend. If we did go out on dates then we did. But I do not remember that.

HANNITY: At that time in your life, let me ask you this you do remember these girls would it be unusual for you as a 32-year-old guy to have dated a woman as young as 17? That would be a 15 year difference or a girl 18. Do you remember dating girls that young at that time?

MOORE: Not generally, no. If did, you know, I’m not going to dispute anything but I don’t remember anything like that.


My goodness, Roy doesn’t wanna say no, because he can’t. And he sure as heck doesn’t wanna say yes either.

“If we did then we did, but I do not remember that.”

“If I did, you know, I’m not going to dispute anything but I do not remember anything like that.”

This is the kind of statement that only a man who rides into the polls on horseback like a redneck Putin could ever have the gumption to say. This is the sort of brazen lying that one who brandishes a pistol like Yosemite Sam at a rally would have the nerve to let pass his lips. It’s almost Clintonesque (That depends on what the definition of “is” is!), but far less slick and also involving actual children instead of a grown and consenting woman, so there’s that.

So here we are, with this creep telling us that he won’t dispute having tried to boff high school girls on the reg, but gosh he can’t really remember having done so, but he remembers them being “good girls.”

And the kicker? He is calling them the liars. The “good girls” who were the ages of many of our daughters, or in some cases even younger, when Roy can’t seem to remember but won’t dispute that he “dated” them.

And some of you have joined him because he likes to hide behind the Bible and isn’t a Democrat. ūü§∑

Sweet Jesus have mercy. How am I even still alive? It is a mystery I tell you, because my head has exploded a thousand times. I am an actual medical mystery thanks to Roy Moore and the state of Alabama.



Y’all are giving me a headache over Roy Moore.

Guys, I need everyone to take a minute and put on their thinking caps for a second while we walk through this together, because my Facebook feed is making me uncharacteristically ragey. Ready?

First: Unproven allegations are not by definition slander simply because they are yet unproven. If these ideas of yours regarding slander were true, nobody could ever make any allegation ever against anyone since by the laws of common¬†sense and the way time works in this universe, an allegation must¬†come first, followed by an investigation and a possible trial to reach a verdict. Under your imaginary system, there would never be investigations or trials to determine guilt, because you have declared everything not already ruled by the courts as slander in order to shut it down. Which I guess is how you would prefer the law to work, except only selectively of course. I mean it’s like you don’t even hear yourselves.

Next: The press has never been under any obligation, legal or otherwise, to wait for an actual guilty verdict before simply reporting the details of a story, including yet-unproven allegations. Under your imaginary constitutional rules for the press, the media would have been literally prevented from breaking the Harvey Weinstein story, the coverage of which, call me crazy, none if you seemed to have any issue with. Even though he has not yet been found guilty in a court of law. ūü§∑ SO WEIRD.

And: The public is not under the same obligation as the court to assume someone innocent until proven guilty because the. court. of. public. opinion. is. not. the. same. as. a. court. of. law. Maybe some of you would like to tell me how innocent OJ Simpson is according to your new innocent-until-proven-guilty standard of forming your opinions on a person’s guilt. Unless, of course, this only seems reasonable to you if the person in question is a white Republican in a tight race for senate who also likes to wave a Bible around cause that’s kinda how it’s looking from here.

Here’s an easy litmus test for yourself: ask yourself if you demanded such a ridiculous standard on behalf of Weinstein. Ya didn’t, which is your right and mine too because Weinstein is an actual garbage human and we don’t need a guilty verdict to voice that opinion or make our movie choices accordingly. Do we see how this works yet? It’s a pretty great system honestly.

(I was going to touch on the whole “If it’s true why did they wait 40 years to talk” thing but I just don’t think anyone still using that line cares about the answer anyway. Y’all over here acting like victims of abuse don’t routinely lock that down in their own brains and internalize it for years or decades or even lifetimes just so you can protect your candidate is just making it so hard to like you as human beings right now.)

Lastly: I know you think the timing is convenient, and look…you’re probably right at least on that single point. Congratulations. Opposition may have had a hand in the timing, because stakes are high and this is how both sides play. But that doesn’t make the charges untrue, and for the love of all that is holy don’t stubbornly support a garbage human simply because the opposition timed his unmasking in a way that benefits them most (which, btw, your side would do too, let’s be honest).

The takeaway: Here’s what some of you in your smug, defensive pride are not seeing. Your¬†proud and open support of a man who used his position to “date” little girls will, I assure you, be even more harmful to the Republican party than anything the left could ever orchestrate.

My advice? Stop blaming everyone but the offender and humbly accept a possible loss this time around (and honestly you should hope for a loss, because at least then people might forget by the next election) and moving forward, set your expectations higher for your party and let them know you will not accept serial abusers of women and children as your candidate. Which, btw, is something you’re not doing a super great job of right now.

What to Expect when Your Kid Leaves for College


Three days prior:¬†Something will happen to your brain chemistry three days before move-in day, which you will find odd¬†since¬†you’ve been preparing for at least a year. The sheer magnitude of what is happening will somehow manage to absolutely blindside you despite¬†the amount of preparing you’ve been doing the months before:¬†Her chair will be empty at dinner. When you pile up on the couch to start a new Netflix marathon she won’t be part of it. You¬†will walk past her room and it will be abandoned, stripped of her favorite things. You’ll wake up in the mornings and she won’t be there. You are dying¬†and the world is about to end. You know, rational thoughts.

Two days prior: You will have an inexplicable need¬†to be near her as much as possible. You will find yourself randomly compelled¬†to touch her hair and¬†her face like a crazy person which, parenthetically, is her least favorite thing ever.¬†You will find her giving you the kind of side-eye that a woman on a dark street¬†might give to a man she suspects might be a psychotic stalker who plans¬†to wear her skin. She will manage to patiently tolerate you¬†as you stare at her like one of those big-eyed stray animal paintings from the 60’s that used to hang in your Pawpaw Virgil’s house.

^What Kristen saw when she looked at me, all of this week.

“Is this¬†snuggling or smothering, technically speaking?” you will ask yourself. ¬†Self will reply, “Who knows! Not me! Get closer to her.”

One day prior: You will have sudden bouts of absolute panic¬†about what you¬†might not have bought that she might find herself in need of after¬†you are¬†gone. You’ll say something like, “Why did we decide against a bed skirt? OH MY GOD DO YOU THINK¬†YOU NEED A BED SKIRT? LET’S GO BUY A BED SKIRT¬†RIGHT NOW.” The bed skirt will feel life-or-death. You will be literally convinced that the absence of the bed skirt will end life on this planet¬†as we know it. She will be forced¬†to talk you down with her superpowers of sanity and rational thinking. You will bemoan her lack of bed skirt. You will make her promise that if she finds that she¬†does need¬†a bed skirt that she won’t panic, that she should REMAIN CALM because you will Amazon Prime that crap directly¬†to her new mailbox overnight. You will realize she will have her own¬†new mailbox, and you will cry about that when you think she’s not looking.

The day of: You will load her belongings in the car while silently weeping and snotting everywhere.¬†Your own parents will call and stop by and the concern on their faces will make you crumble and you will wonder if you were nice enough to them when you left home a billion years ago before cell phones were even a thing. Your husband will pat you on the back and kiss you on the forehead and silently hand you tissues. This, as you might guess by this point, will also make you cry. Sad songs on the drive will have the expected effect. No surprises there. “Of all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you…” Thanks for that Andrew McMahon, you sadistic asshole.

You’ll surprisingly make it through the unloading/lunch/walking around campus part in good spirits. You can enjoy this part. It’s exciting and fun, plus you need this time to drink lots of water because between the heat and the work and the walking and the crying, you probably should hydrate. You will enjoy how excited she is and note how adorable she is when she’s pretending not to be nervous. You will be so proud of her that you will think you are going to burst.

When¬†you leave her:¬†When¬†you give her a hug and kiss the top of her head ¬†you will literally feel like the perky RA just kicked you in the gut. You will try not to be a mess as you leave her because now you’re worried that she will be sad and homesick. You’ll put on your sunglasses even though you haven’t made it out of the dorm hallway yet and you’ll get into your car and your eyes will leak off and on for the entire ride home.

Then, your youngest might do something precious like put her fingertips through the space between your seat and headrest and wiggle them against your shoulder, handing you a sticky note with a little sketch of her with her arms spread open for a hug.


And as you¬†put the sticky note on the dash directly in front of you and stare at it, it will occur to you that you’ll have to do this again in three short years.




To My Confederate Flag Waving Friends

Nobody really listens anymore.

I mean really listens. ¬†Hears. ¬†It’s as if everyone is afraid that if they do, they have to reconsider their opinions, so instead we debate and argue and scream each other down. ¬†We get defensive and angry so we don’t have¬†to allow ourselves to be changed, because allowing ourselves to be changed means admitting the possibility we may have been wrong. ¬†And more than anything else in this political and social climate, the most terrible thing anyone could be is wrong, amIright?

This week, in the aftermath of Charleston, my social media feed is filled with talk about the Confederate battle flag. ¬†People I’ve never known to be so passionate about that old lifeless piece of material are incensed that the Governor of our state of Alabama has had the flag removed from capitol grounds. ¬†These people, good people, are irate and in their anger they are reacting in a way I do not understand. ¬†If you are one of those people, I hope you’ll carve out a couple of minutes with me to listen, really listen, and allow for the possibility that you might be changed. ¬†If after hearing me you still hold tight to that Old Stainless Banner, then fine…you’re just an asshole. ¬†KIDDING, KIDDING. ¬†We will simply still disagree and we will go on with our lives shooting eye daggers across the room when we meet. ¬†KIDDING AGAIN. ¬†It’s what I do in tense situations. Deal.

So let’s start the portion of the day where I possibly bore you to tears.

I wonder if you know that the battle flag did not always fly over South Carolina’s state capitol? ¬†It wasn’t always there…it was added in 1962, in direct response to the Civil Rights movement. ¬†Yes, let that sink in. ¬†It was placed there as a big F You to those who were fighting for basic, equal rights for black Americans. ¬†What’s worse, when this was done they had a little ceremony in a room at the capitol and literally locked out the black representatives. ¬†It was later moved to the grounds of the capitol as a compromise…but it was locked into place at the top of the flag pole. ¬†This means it always flights at full staff, even when Old Glory¬†flies¬†at half staff. ¬†Ya’ gotta’ give ’em credit for being serious with their jabs. ¬†Those white boys weren’t just playing around,¬†y’all.

In Alabama, it was much the same story. ¬†The flag wasn’t always flying there as a normal part of honoring the state’s history. ¬†It came to reside there permanently only in 1963, a response from Alabama when George Wallace when then Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy came to discuss¬†ending segregation at Alabama’s schools. ¬†Later it was removed, with great controversy, and placed on capitol grounds. ¬†This week Bentley ordered it removed and most of you proceeded to lose your shit. ¬†I get it. ¬†It’s a memorial, I know, and I wouldn’t myself be horribly offended by it being on a confederate memorial…except that it is on state capitol grounds, and it was only put there after it had to be forced off the dome. ¬†If it wasn’t on the memorial before that ugly controversy, I think the memorial will be okay without it now.

Has that softened your hearts?  No?  Hang in with me.

Some of you may still be saying to yourselves, “But that is not what the flag means to me. ¬†They’ve just co-opted it for racist causes. ¬†The flag really means heritage, and the civil war was not about slavery.” ¬†I hope you will indulge me for a few minutes more, and I hope you will still try to hear me. ¬†I think we, as proud southerners, tend to lie to ourselves a little bit on this point. ¬†It’s not out of hate that most of us do this…I think it’s generally from a good place, because we do not want it to have been about slavery. ¬†But let me show you a few¬†things.

When the south decided upon secession, the states each wrote up their casus belli, or justification for doing so and thus going to war.

South Carolina’s reads:

...A geographical line has been drawn across the Union, and all the States north of that line have united in the election of a man to the high office of President of the United States, whose opinions and purposes are hostile to slavery. He is to be entrusted with the administration of the common Government, because he has declared that that ‚ÄúGovernment cannot endure permanently half slave, half free,‚ÄĚ and that the public mind must rest in the belief that slavery is in the course of ultimate extinction. This sectional combination for the submersion of the Constitution, has been aided in some of the States by elevating to citizenship, persons who, by the supreme law of the land, are incapable of becoming citizens; and their votes have been used to inaugurate a new policy, hostile to the South, and destructive of its beliefs and safety.

And here is Alabama’s:

Upon the principles then announced by Mr. Lincoln and his leading friends, we are bound to expect his administration to be conducted. Hence it is, that in high places, among the Republi¬≠can party, the election of Mr. Lincoln is hailed, not simply as it change of Administration, but as the inauguration of new princi¬≠ples, and a new theory of Government, and even as the downfall of slavery. Therefore it is that the election of Mr. Lincoln cannot be regarded otherwise than a solemn declaration, on the part of a great majority of the Northern people, of hostility to the South, her property and her institutions‚ÄĒnothing less than an open declaration of war‚ÄĒfor the triumph of this new theory of Government destroys the property of the South, lays waste her fields, and inaugurates all the horrors of a San Domingo servile insurrection, consigning her citizens to assassinations, and. her wives and daughters to pollution and violation, to gratify the lust of half-civilized Africans.


Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery‚ÄĒthe greatest material interest of the world. Its labor supplies the product which constitutes by far the largest and most important portions of commerce of the earth. These products are peculiar to the climate verging on the tropical regions, and by an imperious law of nature, none but the black race can bear exposure to the tropical sun. These products have become necessities of the world, and a blow at slavery is a blow at commerce and civilization. That blow has been long aimed at the institution, and was at the point of reaching its consummation. There was no choice left us but submission to the mandates of abolition, or a dissolution of the Union, whose principles had been subverted to work out our ruin‚Ķ


As a separate republic, Louisiana remembers too well the whisperings of European diplomacy for the abolition of slavery in the times of an­nexation not to be apprehensive of bolder demonstrations from the same quarter and the North in this country. The people of the slave holding States are bound together by the same necessity and determination to preserve African slavery.

I could go on but I think…I hope…you see what I mean. ¬†Were there other reasons, including state’s rights? ¬†Yes…state’s rights to continue with enslaving an entire race of human beings, mostly. ¬†Economic? ¬†Yes, the economy of slavery, which made an extremely high concentration of wealth for a very small percentage of southerners:

In 1860 the South was richer than any country in Europe except England, and it had achieved a level of wealth unmatched by Italy or Spain until the eve of World War II.

The southern economy generated enormous wealth and was critical to the economic growth of the entire United States. Well over half of the richest 1 percent of Americans in 1860 lived in the South. Even more important, southern agriculture helped finance early 19th century American economic growth. Before the Civil War, the South grew 60 percent of the world’s cotton, provided over half of all U.S. export earnings, and furnished 70 percent of the cotton consumed by the British textile industry. Cotton exports paid for a substantial share of the capital and technology that laid the basis for America’s industrial revolution.


I know for a fact that most people¬†do not know these things, and I think that when you don’t know these things it is easy to be swayed to believe that the confederate flag is one we should be proud of. ¬†But when ya’ know better ya’ do better, y’all. ¬† The flag is a part of our history, yes. ¬†I have ancestors who fought for it. ¬†But I don’t know if that means we have to honor and celebrate it. ¬†It should be in museums, yes. ¬†If you wish to have one, you have that right, yes. ¬†But it has no place flying on the grounds of state capitols that are supposed to be representative of all of our citizens, including our black brothers and sisters in Christ (a helping of good Christian guilt to finish you off. ¬†I’m good, right?).

Because what if this isn’t a proud flag that has been co-opted by a racist cause. ¬†What if instead, good people have convinced themselves to co-opt a racist flag, and now refuse to let it go even though it is a direct affront to our brother and our God who tells us, “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus”?

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, “Lord, Angie’s done turned liberal.” ¬†But y’all, if being an acceptable conservative means defending the above, I weep for the conservative cause. ¬†This should have nothing to do with liberal or conservative, left, or right, Republican or Democrat. ¬†And if it does, then I’m sorry but I want none of it. ¬†Zero parts of it. ¬†You can have it ’cause Angie’s out. ¬†This isn’t about left or right for me, and I really wish…I hope…that it isn’t for you either.

I wish more of us would be more concerned with what IS right rather than with BEING right.  I really do.

I hope that everyone will soften their hearts, especially in the light of what happened in Charleston so very recently…and listen and hear. ¬†Dare to let your hearts be softened and your minds changed. ¬†Because with all of the ugliness, wouldn’t that be the best silver lining we could hope for? ¬†Is it possible? ¬†I really hope so.